Welcome to another edition of The Flying Onion: Ask the Onion! In this segment, The Flying Onion Staff will give advice by answering questions sent in by students. Three upperclassman staff members provide their advice: Dr. Jane, Dr. Lavande, and Dr. Dinkle.
Question #1: Toxic relationship (17-year-old female)
My friend has been going out with the same guy for the past few months, and I think her relationship is toxic. Usually her boyfriend makes fun of her in front of our friends, and then ignores her when she tries to open up about how she feels to him. She is obviously very stressed out over the relationship and is always talking about it, but she won’t listen to me or our other friends when we tell her she should break up with him. What could I do to help her?
Dr. Lavande: Honestly, it is super frustrating watching a friend go through that, especially when it’s obvious their relationship is toxic to everyone but them. If you really want to help, it is important that you don’t pressure her to break up with him; trashing him will only make her get defensive about her relationship. Instead, try to help her shift her perspective. Next time she is venting about him, don’t immediately start tearing apart their relationship. Instead, ask her “what would you say to do if you were in my shoes”, It is also super important that you ask her about how she is feeling. Oftentimes people will stay in emotionally neglectful relationships because they believe their feelings don’t matter; it is important that you give her an outlet to open up.
Dr. Dinkle: In my opinion, I would approach this situation gently. If you really want to help your friend out, maybe talk to them directly and tell them your feelings. Try to bring her to her senses instead of trying to force a break up. At the end of the day, you cannot make your friends’ decisions for them, but you can help them realize they deserve better. Instead, try to be a good friend to her as she goes through the relationship. Be there to listen and console her until she comes to her own realization.
Question #2: Friend breakup (15-year-old female)
My friend group is kind of fake and I am tired of them. I have been told by multiple people that they talk about me behind my back. They also will talk about plans that I am not invited to in front of me, and don’t care that I’m right there . I confronted them before about talking about me and they just said “nooo, we wouldn’t do that, we love you” then went back to ignoring me the next day. What do you guys think I should do?
Dr. Jane: In my experience, it takes a while to find the right people. It will take a lot of courage if you decide to leave your current friends, but if they don’t understand that you’re upset and aren’t adjusting the way they’re acting, it’s going to be worth it. They seem to not care about your feelings as much as they should, and that in itself is enough of a reason to find new people you fit in with. Expand yourself by talking to new people, branching out, and participating in more extracurricular activities. You may meet people who understand you better than anyone else ever has, especially if you have shared interests.
Dr. Lavande: I understand your exhaustion. Being excluded by people who are supposed to be your “friends” has got to be one of the worst feelings. If I were you, I would try to exit the friend group, without unnecessary drama. You should start by distancing yourself from your friends – if they are in your classes, try talking less to them, if they are at your lunch, try to find other acquaintances you could sit with. Do not keep trying to confront them in attempts to mend your friendship. They obviously do not respect you and you’d be much better off making new friends with people who actually care about you. Distancing yourself may feel lonely at first, but it is much better to be alone than to be surrounded by toxic people.
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